Sex Scenes Gone Bad

The bad-sex-scene curators over at Nerve have done us all a favor and narrowed a potentially limitless list down to a semi-digestible 50. No. 1 is the how-about-butter-as-lube Euro-flick, Last Tango in Paris. A solid choice, as the particular scene in question is horrendously "acted," self-consciously pretentious, and most egregiously, un-sexy. It's celluloid suckiness.

As good as the choices are, there is one scene conspicuously absent from the list that should be on ANY list dedicated to outrageous badness as an art form: this sex scene from I Know Who Killed Me.

I LOVE how it opens with Lindsay Lohan's character's prosthetic leg chillin' by the wall:

And it get so much better (better = badder) from there, as you'll duly note.

I love that there's a blue filter used for no apparent reason other than maybe it was the only one available the day of the shoot. I love the embarrassing sex choreography, in which Lindsay at one point rides the guy like a pommel horse. And I love love love the heavy-handed intercutting to draw attention away from the gospel-of-truth that Lindsay and her co-star have no perceptible chemistry. Brava!

PhDs will one day be dedicated to its awfulness. Courses will be planned to examine in-depth the achingly bad score, the dude's girly orgasm sounds, the cloacal kissing. This is a genre unto itself!

It's a serious oversight on Nerve's part, because, truly, this is the worst sex scene since the circa-'89 Heath Ed video I was shown in gym class that started with a boy getting a boner and ended with a girl boned and with child. I still have the scars.