"A Painted Stranger Sexually Assualted Me" Tee on Sale!

Anyone who has seen me lately knows that I am in dire need of new clothes. Eight-year-old jeans that I have been patching the shit out of with any dumpster scraps I can find and a T-shirt that has something like an afterbirth stain on it is just not cutting it. Even the nose-less homeless guy outside my local coffee hole don't want to tap this, yo.

So, even though I am 173 years too old for Urban Outfitters, I sniffed out their Sale signage in the hopes of new-outfitting my sorry ass.

As I was perusing the Anorexic Apparel, I stepped in this piece of shit:


I first read this as "Jack Skellington Grabbed My Muffins." I later re-read it as "I Was Groped By a Finger-Painter on the El Train." I mean, even the model doesn't look happy about this.

For $14.99, I expect them to throw in a Rape Kit.