Well-Played: Germans

This woman just skyrocketed to the top of my "must domestic-partner with" list:

Charlotte Roche has written a bestselling book about a young girl who, among other things, ends up in the hospital after a delicate shaving incident, has an insatiable fascination with her hemorrhoids, and does something unspeakable with an avocado pit.

I MUST meet her.

The novel, "Feuchtgebiete," which my Mac widget has helpfully translated as "humid areas" but which English-language publishers have titled "Wetlands" (boo), is a scandal in her hometown. People have allegedly fainted at recent book readings. (The Germans are scandalized by this?! These are after all the people who created Vulva Original.)

In a New York Times article, Ms. Roche “describes the book as a cri de coeur against the oppression of a waxed, shaved, douched and otherwise sanitized women’s world.” I want to gay-marry her in California. We can use Life Savers for rings and do it all potluck-style to keep it on the cheap. There are no hard and fast rules when you are this madly in love! Check out what German newspapers are saying, according to the Times:

"Newspapers here have contrasted her unhygienic, free-spirited fictional heroine to an American-import model of womanhood: the stable of plucked, pencil-thin contestants on "Germany's Next Top Model," a popular reality show hosted by the German supermodel Heidi Klum."

Can someone please direct this woman to my inbox?

My pivotal belief about America's obsession with female grooming is that the stuff that makes women female — their genitalia, and related adornments and odors — scares the living poop out of most Americas. Why so scared of woman au natural? Because it's feral. It suggests unchecked, unfettered sexuality... female sexuality. So if we have women pluck the crap out of themselves, deodorize to the point they are actually putting their health at risk, doll-up pubic hair by dying it magenta, or worse, shave it all off for that adorable presexual, prepubescent appearance (Are we a nation of pedophiles?), then we can make them more palatable and less threatening. It's oppression under the guises of self-improvement.

Building bodily self confidence cannot include grooming habits with the subtext: "I hate my body." This isn't just offensive — America's attitude toward women's bodies, and not just a few errant pubes, is immoral. And pubes, I can live with; misogyny, I cannot.

So: Viva Germany for publishing this book and for bringing this woman into my life!

And, Charlotte: Call me.