Snail Smut

Everyone's favorite bat-shit-crazy model/actress/spokesperson for the criminally insane (and by "everyone" I mean "me"), Isabella Rossellini, has made what I consider the first and final word in green pornography.

We are talking about this woman:


The XXXciting video features IR in a giant snail costume, going over the specifics of slug fucking. It's ten kinds of awesome.

She starts by saying something boring about how big her foot would be if she were a snail. I was more focused on the anatomically correct pee-pee parts.


She then helpfully explains: "I can withdraw my entire body into my shell, where I can hide my vagina and my penis. I have both." In human parlance, we call that a "she-male." But I don't want to quibble.

At this point, shit starts to get super funked up.

She curls her body into the shell like a fist and says these magic words: "My anus would end up at the top of my head."

But really, who HASN'T been there?

She then talks about how she can produce darts to inflict pain, which “turns me on.” Is she still the snail at this point or Isabella? You be the judge.

Then the S&M commences!

After pummeling the living snot out of each other in a kinky freakfest, Isabella and her giant snail friend do the nasty.

Says the chick in the escargot costume, "Sadomasochism excites me."

I need a cold shower.