Queer Nuts

Does not matter the day, I am inevitably stuck at the gym in front of a TV broadcasting ESPN. While trying hard not to focus on how pathetically the Elliptical is kicking my sorry ass, I often space-out while watching highlights of sports I do not follow (That's misleading: I actually don’t follow any sports. Unless you consider gay-cruising a sport. Which I do.). But the channel's commercials really do snare my interest. It’s as if all the advertising is directed at pre-teen mountain gorillas. I love it.

The ad I'm currently crushing-on is for Planters Peanuts, which seems to run at least once every second song on my workout mix.

For the uninitiated, the advert' features a “woman” (aka, a tranny), with a unibrow and painted-on mole, rubbing nuts on her person to attract men. I riddle you not.

Check it:

Here's the (wo)man:

First she dips her man-hands in the nut jar.

Then she applies the unsuspecting cashew to her neck while making an orgasm-y face.

Now she rubs it on the inside of her wrist like it's eau de vie.

It gets even pornier when she pats it between her cupcakes.

And finally all this nut-smearing somehow makes her a boner magnet.

It’s the queerest mainstream ad I’ve ever seen.

But it totally makes me want snack nuts. I am weak.