Aging Thicket

I just picked up an old Allure belonging not to me, in a fit of excruciating boredom (and mild intrigue, related to an article about, and I'm paraphrasing, how to please my man with nothing but a seatless tricycle and a pickled jalapeño), and came across an ad for a product called Betty. After regaining consciousness, plus a brief Kit Kat break, I was finally able to wrap my head around the abomination: bush dye. Yep, that's right, a hair-coloring kit for da box. OK, for really, what is so wrong with an aging, au natural thicket? I mean, if your partner is complaining about a little salt 'n' pepa, then maybe it's time to upgrade to a human being.

This just hurts:Pink carpet?! Ladies, ladies, ladies: your crotch is not a Sno-Cone.