Penis Dress-Up

Now there's a reason to love the Belgians aside from their waffles and fries and... yeah, that's all I got for ya.

Anyway, BEHOLD:

Best. Condom ad. EVER.

The Maddams Family

Dreams DO come true, my friends. God is smiling on my today! Look what I just happened upon:


My night is now spoken for. Bliss!

The Munsters, Doggie-Style

Some of the perks of being in the porn biz, aside from all the faux dongs I like, is that I get to see soon-to-be porn classics at least a few minutes before everyone else. Last week: This Ain't the Munsters XXX.


I won't get into the juicy plot points, the balls-out acting (yeah, I went there), or the challenging directorial choices. But I will say that the pizza the Hustler crew brought over for us, as enticement to say nice things about the performers' genitalia, hit the spot. There is nothing, NOTHING, like eating a slice while watching Grandpa, Herman, and Lily do the XXX nasty. Brill'!

As a sidebar, fingers crossed "The Addams Family XXX" is next in the production line!

Breaking Up With Your Sex Doll the Right Way

To all your sex-doll owners, (You know who you are... And I know who you are) please be advised that dumping your plastic lay in the woods will land you some unwanted police attention.


My suggestion is to get rid of it the time-honored, old-fashioned way: by passing it on to your kid.

Aloha, Yourself

Clearly, friends, I am doing something wrong to have received this:
And by "wrong" I mean, "JACKPOT!"

"Save the Fight for the Komodo"

The other night, I happened upon a film on cable so extraordinary, so revelatory, I can't in good conscience keep it to myself. I MUST share it with the world.

Ready? Are you in your Netflix queue? Get ready to type this:

"Curse of the Komodo."

Yeah, you read right.

Featuring some of the worst FX ever committed to celluloid, unspeakably awkward editing, and largely endowed porn stars in tank tops trying to act the LIVING SHIT out of it all. In a word: MAGIC.

Behold the awesome power of the komodo!


Know what he's after?

These:


Fingers crossed I can find it for less than 3 bucks on eBay! Though even I refuse to get into a bidding war with a 14-year-old pimply teen from Arkansas for the glory of having it in my paws. Because, as the hero of "Curse" sagely advises: "Save the fight for the komodo."

American Appalling

While I was making a lunch -- aka Red Vines -- run today, I passed an American Apparel store that had two mannequins in a pose that could only be described as "retail-window doggie." It was THAT BAD.

Almost as bad as the stock, which featured, among other pieces of fabric not worthy of the label "clothing," this demure, chaste, I dare say subtle, offering:


Note: This warrants a trip to the proctologist after wear, as things tend to get, er, sucked into the abyss.

I especially am partial to the "action" shots found on the company's site, highlighting the item's broad functionality. Par example:

They're perfect when you're too drunk to make it to the bathroom!

Also:


Ideal for giving you that self-esteem boost when your friend's suffering from crippling scoliosis!

All that and more for the low low price of 26 bucks! A small price to pay for the worth we call Self.